i called because.

i called because its been getting horrible lately. no matter how hard I try, I end up reaching out because its difficult. because again I’m feeling too much and there’s nothing I can’t do about it . i hate it when I can’t talk about it with anyone because I fear myself, im insecure about my emotions somehow. im afraid i might be misunderstood, thought as vulnerable and what not. but i am vulnerable to be honest, vulnerable, fragile and everything that hurts.

Not everytime do i want anyone to relate with me -my issues, insecurities, they aren’t for competition- please just sit and simply listen to me. hold my hand when i sob badly. and watch my tears as i silently share my seclusion with no one but you. don’t ask me how i am, what happened, how im feeling, who did it. because i did it, i did it to myself. it is not you, not anyone else, let alone my own self who refuses to accept my charred remains and embrace them eventually. don’t blame yourself, you’re not worthless, you did all that you could. it’s not your fault that im burning again.

I called because I can’t say anything of this to you in person. can’t see your glittering eyes burn with gloominess. can’t say that your voice is that one ointment which seems to piece me back together, at least it unintentionally tries. I can’t accept it in front of you that you’re my healing source, afraid you might leave me thinking im too attached to you. of course im attached to you, i look up to you in my broken times, why does it enrage you so much. because you think im falling for you? for someone whose experiences have been so drastic in love…im not saying im devastated by my mere existence but that’s all im saying, have been saying.

I called because my mental state was acting up. I called because crying is not always bursting in tears but also being enslaved, tortured, and choked by one’s own mind. I called because I can’t scream “so what I’m emotional, sensitive, I’m a universe full of exploding stars and knitting galaxies expanding, contracting at their unruly paces, of course I’m bound to feel”. I called because I’m scared of myself. scared i might explode so much, that I regret it. im afraid I’ll hate myself more if I let you know what pulls me down and gets me by the edge everytime.

And I’ll probably not read what I just wrote because that’ll make me think more sick about myself because you’ve always empowered me. Lifted me up. I’ll not read any of it because perhaps I’m having my day or i..don’t know..I’m just suicidal again

I just…

Mmmmm…

i ummm called because i wanted to hear your voice, just that.

note: heeey! this is not at all intentional, this is just like a therapy for me. I write what I feel but somehow I still suck at it?yeah. I feel like making out, is that normal? anyway I promise I’ll get better than this and please please know: I love you and you’re precious to me.

All love no hate:)