idiosyncrasies of a young adult.

I won’t say i dont understand it bc ik i been witnessing it from the time i realised what it was. I literally cannot imagine, i never did nor could; that people slipped outta my hands that swiftly. That they could always run out and that is why it is so important to hold onto that one person or that one joint of people bc truly, something so good might literally not happen to you twice; even though no matter how much anyone tries to assure you that it ain’t true.
But it is, bc you know.
Bc ik the disinterest. The disinterest to know about me, talk about me, check upon me, care about me. Ik what it feels. This is why when she said that she never felt a thing; excluding even the times when she locked her eyes with mine, or the times she devoured upon this flesh and skin. I didn’t mind. I couldn’t. I knew no notions of hells and its affairs but for me she was heaven and yet all that it hurt was like mere heavens.
Unfortunately enough, I still dont interest her:))
And it’s not about it too, but the lack of faiths in me. Ik how i ended up.
Ending up with lost traits. She tries to talk highly of me, like im someone who’s so confident and charismatic. She doesn’t know how sick it feels to be crying at nights and screaming in silence bc i cant even afford to cry in peace. She doesn’t know that she’s that one constant thought running at the back of my sub conscious bc im constantly trying not to burst out. I wouldn’t say that it hurts to see everything being so fucking normal and that her smile is still the best sight i am able to ever catch; but what im saying is, i didn’t deserve this. But so didn’t Julius Caesar, and yet again we have Brutus.
Yes a backstab. It feels like that.
She still asks me and gets irritated, why i be doubting myself like that and that much. What do i say? That for once when i felt i could be me, it came crumbling down? That it all fell down? How do i say that i still love you even though all you feel is an empty void, when all you feel is loneliness, even when you’re with me? How do i even say a word. I wish someone could speak for me. I wish if only someone supported us the way i do.
No, i guess there aren’t many people like that. Ugh i just wish if we could commute through minds:/
See? Do you feel it? After all that has happened, after I’ve been abandoned, do you still sense the undeniable hope by the end of this? Yeah thats me.
That hope? Yeah. Thats me.
I don’t know how to say this to her that i still hope for her even though now im more uglier, thicker and with more stretch marks plus i dont know when i run out on myself. I don’t know what drives me now, art is going to be a refuge, as it has always been.
(I still love you.)
( I love you.)

it feels terrible now; to not being able to do things i once believed constituted, all that was within me. it feels irrational to not being able to talk about myself yet seek an unapologetic, unsolicited validation online. it’s all about the way we talk i feel, and whenever i’ve felt this i’ve unknowingly constrained myself even more from reaching out to people. it gets harder to talk about myself, the vacuum consuming within and rotting my dynasties and this writhed body imitating a beautiful sarcophagus, i mean.
would you believe me if i told you that i crave the burns, emptiness imprint on me? and all the bruises that they left behind? And how I’m always scratching the surface a bit more, dripping gore.
that everytime i go out i wanna meet someone new and get starry eyed just because im too engrossed, to maybe find myself in the way?
my lips hurt alright, my body screams in abhorrence as it wants you. no im not calloused, nor in any sorts of dire needs. but this existence these days feels way too ephemeral. i feel like a concrete abomination masquerading.
i wish to speak more.
love.

I’m not fine today. Am I sick? I want to run away and never come back because I know no arms will hold me and accept me, as theirs.

I told my mother i felt ugly within this body; she assured, yes, true, but beauty is faltering and transient and everything that hurts

I wanted to scream, ‘lady, my body hurts, my chest aches and i cant breathe sometimes, i cant eat anymore because there’s stretch marks on my stomach now

I don’t eat anything now, I don’t talk much to my beloved now, I don’t tell her that it’s not her im insecure about but my own self; that perhaps the fat inhibiting in my skin is endowed to much of my guilt and disappointments in life. ‘

I’m burning my eyes every time I’m checking my feeds because I feed on them rather, the virtual content, than the fruits beside me.

Out of all the world, I’m scared about whether I’m diabetic or a thyroid patient or not. Im wearing the same shirt for the third day and I’m not even surprised. I bathed, however, it didn’t seem like one. I don’t know…I really got issues with the way my body looks but I surely love how it feels so I don’t know im probably a melancholic paradox

I’m sorry in advance that I did it today but I needed it despite my body’s boundations being for the time being (i was on my periods)… ouukaay…so…
Mmmmm…
So yeah…I was um lowkey thinking about it.. I know.. since the whole day in the back of my mind somewhere…and I was refraining from the idea of indulging in it because you know..mm…we’re in between our finals and all that…so while I was undressing to take a shower i was a bit heated up i dont know, also i was home alone so…yea.. i was just thinking about you… your body against mine and your hand’s grip on the crease of my neck everytime we kissed; and how you look at me at all the times, when im a moaning mess and ready to succumb to the sexual pleasure you cause to me, my mind, my body. Just the thought of you that way had me, i was literally drooling…my lips were wet and apart, letting out a slight moan for you…my tongue swirling around my fingers, sucked upon them, as I was reminiscing about you.
I turned to the shower and scrubbed such, as if you were waiting for me in the bed for some action. Not that I stinked but we’re all conscious about the flower’s hygeine during the days. Despite of that I couldn’t help touch myself so hard and compassionately. It was as if you had asked me to bathe infront of you, making me touch myself the way you always did. I traced my body.. tried to grope my titties and rubbed my nipples like you do to tease me..😔 it made my clit, go through a maddening sensation I couldn’t control… My hands found there way down there and i was worried suddenly, to check whether i was bleeding badly.
There was no such thing i was fine..but i knew i wouldn’t cum if it wasn’t about you and damn i wanted to cum so bad so I went ahead for a clitoral orgasm regardless. I sat down on the floor and the coldness hit me but i didn’t mind. It was as if you were watching me again and under your command, I was pleasuring myself because I was so shy and vulnerable…i touched and rubbed my bud slowly and in a constant movement that I felt like it’s you..I closed my eyes and bit my lower lip in anticipation of what you would do to me… slowly your thoughts were sensitising my clit, making it grow and throb with my fingers along the way…the way your eyes fed on me while we kissed and when you thrusted in me so good…i felt an urge to circle my entrance while i increased my pace on the clit…i mumbled a little moan and rolled back… I flinched as my body twitched and made my body grind with the rhythmic movements… I stretched my legs, laying them apart on the floor. My body got so heated up that it was numbing, my inner thighs started to shake a bit, I was clenching my boob in exasperation…i was having thoda back pain and it diminished for the time being…i arched my back fuck i was so ready to release…then the distant shooting pain came and i grinded hard to bear it…it finally hit me as my body froze from the tension…I. came. gasping, i let out a few little moans and tried catching my breath. But somewhere I missed the chills your tongue gave me and the impact it had on my body…I couldn’t control myself and spread apart once again, in front of the lower bath faucet…I let the cold water pierce me. My pussy was so sensitive that the water felt so painfully good. But because the water flow was too much for me to bear and I wasn’t settling for less…i didn’t stop and twitched miserably. I let two fingers inside my mouth, sucked on them hard till it hurt and grinded slow. This time I wanted to embrace the pain, and feel how my body reacted without me being tensed or something. Mmm the water was so cold and fierce that i could feel my pussy giving up…oh I closed my eyes and seized my moans…my body heated up once again, tits tightened up and the body went mellow…I came sooner and much profusely this time. My body was writhing with the extremity this time. When I touched down there, i was swollen. As for me, i was tired and a bit dizzy…i just wanted to sleep.

I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb im dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb im dumb im dumb im dumb im dumb im dumb im dumb im dumb im dumb im dumb i dont know how to handle myself im feeling really anxious im afraid i might blow up soon this is not working I hate this I hate myself this is getting worse I’m so dumb n stupid i try so much to hide everything why am I so sad I’m probably anxious I’m sad I’m dumb I’m dumb I can’t do this im so ignored i hate this no nobodys hating me no no I’m good I’m good I’m just dumb im just sad im just batshit crazy im out of my mind i screw everytime everything I should stop gotta be a good girl always smiling I’m not dumb m not sad im good m happy m fine im listening to happy music why does it make my ears bleed or is it my soul?i don’t know, im listening to happy music i should be better off than this I’m trying to sing along the song yes you n me are golden, we are golden i am golden anyway WAIT THERES A LUMP IN MY THROAT i just coughed real hard im sorry im being noisy but please come closer in for a kill, wait what no i just want you to let me bleed to death just don’t leave me, this existence is horrendous please come, feel me, im thirsty for you, do you feel my pain? am i talking too much or am i just done pretending wait please don’t walk away please my heart is yearning im sorry i cant anymore, I feel dizzy my eyes burn again, thank you very much for listening yes i love you too

i called because its been getting horrible lately. no matter how hard I try, I end up reaching out because its difficult. because again I’m feeling too much and there’s nothing I can’t do about it . i hate it when I can’t talk about it with anyone because I fear myself, im insecure about my emotions somehow. im afraid i might be misunderstood, thought as vulnerable and what not. but i am vulnerable to be honest, vulnerable, fragile and everything that hurts.

Not everytime do i want anyone to relate with me -my issues, insecurities, they aren’t for competition- please just sit and simply listen to me. hold my hand when i sob badly. and watch my tears as i silently share my seclusion with no one but you. don’t ask me how i am, what happened, how im feeling, who did it. because i did it, i did it to myself. it is not you, not anyone else, let alone my own self who refuses to accept my charred remains and embrace them eventually. don’t blame yourself, you’re not worthless, you did all that you could. it’s not your fault that im burning again.

I called because I can’t say anything of this to you in person. can’t see your glittering eyes burn with gloominess. can’t say that your voice is that one ointment which seems to piece me back together, at least it unintentionally tries. I can’t accept it in front of you that you’re my healing source, afraid you might leave me thinking im too attached to you. of course im attached to you, i look up to you in my broken times, why does it enrage you so much. because you think im falling for you? for someone whose experiences have been so drastic in love…im not saying im devastated by my mere existence but that’s all im saying, have been saying.

I called because my mental state was acting up. I called because crying is not always bursting in tears but also being enslaved, tortured, and choked by one’s own mind. I called because I can’t scream “so what I’m emotional, sensitive, I’m a universe full of exploding stars and knitting galaxies expanding, contracting at their unruly paces, of course I’m bound to feel”. I called because I’m scared of myself. scared i might explode so much, that I regret it. im afraid I’ll hate myself more if I let you know what pulls me down and gets me by the edge everytime.

And I’ll probably not read what I just wrote because that’ll make me think more sick about myself because you’ve always empowered me. Lifted me up. I’ll not read any of it because perhaps I’m having my day or i..don’t know..I’m just suicidal again

I just…

Mmmmm…

i ummm called because i wanted to hear your voice, just that.

note: heeey! this is not at all intentional, this is just like a therapy for me. I write what I feel but somehow I still suck at it?yeah. I feel like making out, is that normal? anyway I promise I’ll get better than this and please please know: I love you and you’re precious to me.

All love no hate:)

I thought, i really thought that i was special.
We all want to be the special one in someone’s eye right we accept it or not, that’s the gig; brutal, honest and everything real. And as we are trapped by the universal art of self loathing, very obviously, we don’t think about ourselves the way we should and unintentionally seek validation from the one we think we love. And maybe we do, I mean I can feel it; love groping me and caressing me everyday, each day a new muscle, a new tether sinew. And when the one person whom you think you love actually starts appreciating you, that’s a champagne feel. You eventually start feeling better about yourself, not all the time (because, duh, obviously?) but whenever they’re around, you tend to be blooming. It is then, when at the back of your mind you realise that, what if that’s not a mutual feel, that perhaps she wasn’t really comprehensive about such a hypothetical concept; love.
you fucked up big, again. wow, congrats. congratulations for again drowning for a person who’s tryna calm her own sea BUT DAMMIT
I had felt it, really, she catching glimpses of me and finding me adorable or being amused by me. but you know, I always feared this, that whether those big brown Californian eyes screamed the truth or na. But I was proven my worth, I got friendzoned GAAIZZ. I got delayed. She never looked at me like that, never found me amusing, she never catched glimpses of mine nor did she feel anything about me.

don’t ask me who’s the victim, or is she the one to blame. she’s a restless sea. and all I’ve ever wanted was to drown in the realms of her paradise, feel her like nobody, be exclusive. but as for now, it’s complicated because, I don’t know.

I just, don’t know

By the way, hi!

check me out here:)

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton